Welcome to the very first Dipper’s Quips, an “advice” column from the other half of this website, the dog. Expect diatribes from Dipper about the evils of squirrels and commentary on his anti-social nature. We’re not responsible for what happens if you take my dog’s “advice.”
Dear Dipper, I’ve got it bad for a cute girl at the dog park. How do I tell her I love her? – Anonymous
D: That’s easy. First, ignore her. And I mean it. Don’t even sniff her. If she comes up to you, walk away. Pee on a bush on the opposite side of the park. You can even pee on her a bit if she gets in the way. That’s good—it means she’s following you. If that fails, cozy up to her owners. Jump on them, sit in their laps, give ’em kisses. That’ll make her jealous. If she comes up to them, give her a good growl. She’ll love it. If all else fails, try my signature move, the ol’ dirt kick. Ya just gotta kick dirt up all over her. It works especially well if she’s a clean, white dog. When’s the wedding?
What’s your favorite type of cheese, Dipper? – Gabby S.
D: I’ll have you know that I am quite the cheese connoisseur. When I hear that crinkly plastic wrapper, I come a-runnin’. I’m quite partial to the Kraft American Singles. Cream cheese is nice too—the name of this site ought to be Little Dog, Big Philadelphia Cream Cheese. I’d like to say I enjoy the Chickie’s and Pete’s cheese sauce—you know the stuff—but thanks to Tori, I haven’t had enough of that to say for sure. Hmph…
How do you feel about unneutered dogs at the dog park, Dip? – Anonymous
D: Grrrrr….I’M GONNA FIGHT ‘EM! I just can’t help it. Who do they think they are, showing up smelling like that? Science says that neutered dogs like me are more likely to act aggressively towards intact dogs, not the other way around like most owners think. And science is right—I’ve tried to eat the face of every intact dog I’ve ever met.
Hey, Dipper. What did you think of Stranger Things? – Literally everyone
D: Stranger Things? What’s that? I’ll tell you what’s strange. That people would ask a dog what he thinks of a television show.